It was a bright afternoon in San Diego. I walked outside and stood underneath this large tree that provided shade in front of our apartment. I do not recall how old I was, but I do not believe I was older than 4 or 5. We were getting ready to move to a new apartment and I felt things changing. Usually the courtyard was bustling with children running back and forth but for some reason, no one was outside that day but me. As young as I was, I recall standing under the tree wondering what my life would be like when I turned thirteen years old. It seemed light years away; like some far away place. In that moment I had thoughts of what I would look like and who my friends would be. In an instant I went back inside to get away from the loneliness I felt out in the courtyard of what would become a childhood memory.

Now, as a thirty-three year old woman, I look back at that little girl full of wonder and promise with different eyes. If I could somehow go back in time there is so much that I would tell that little girl to help her avoid some of the pitfalls that came her way. Do you ever think about that? If you could meet yourself as a child, what would you say? There are several things that I would not just say but repeat numerous times and tearfully try to get my point across. First, I would tell her how much God loves her. I grew up going to the church and loving God. My parents and church family told  me over and over again about the love of God. I got saved when I was 9 years old and always kept my walk with Christ but the older I got the more I seen how much I really did not have a strong grasp of God's love for me. If I could speak to myself as a child, I would tell this sweet unsuspecting little girl that she doesn't have to be perfect. She doesn't have to get everything right and do everything flawlessly. I would tell her that her best, even when she fails, really is enough.  So often, despite the scriptures I read in the bible or the inspirational words my mother and family gave me I still found myself subconsciously struggling with the idea that I, flaws and all, am enough. 

I know that is not a struggle that was mine alone. For young girls and women in particular, society has its way of letting us know that we are missing something. When I was in high school, I couldn't be in enough clubs, advanced classes, etc. you name it. My senior year I was Captain of the Varsity Basketball team, an active member of the California Scholarship Federation, a member of Christian Club, MESA, Yearbook, on homecoming court all while maintaining AP courses and applying for colleges. I had to be the best. It wasn't enough to just graduate with honors, but I had to be top honors and show the world, my family, and God that I could handle and do it all with class. What did that leave me? Well I ended my senior year with a D+ in Pre-Calculus and a C- in Physics. My admissions to UC Santa Barbara was rescinded and I had to sit out a year for school. Why did I take Physics, I don't know? I had already met the requirements for both science and math so I did not need either course. I can't even tell you what I learned in that class other than my Physics teacher had this grey stain on his tooth that I still can't get out of my head. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with striving for excellence but it is really important to examine the motives behind your actions. 

While in college, I developed insecurities about my body. I gained a little weight freshman year and it got to my head. I was so mad I could no longer fit size 4 and was now in a size 6 or sometimes 8. Currently, I might run somebody over to wear a size 6 again. Just sayin'. In the moment it felt devastating. So there I was, a smart and beautiful girl who was blessed to fulfill my dream of going to a prestigious 4-year university and I was worried about my body. I would look at People Magazine, US Weekly, Entertainment Tonight, E! News, etc. and find all the reasons why my life and my body was not enough. To top it off, I was yet to have a boyfriend at the time let alone experience my first kiss. When I looked at all of those elements, in the back of my mind I wondered what was wrong with me. Society gives our young girls such a horrifically unrealistic expectation to live up to. Keeping Up with the Kardashian's is not just entertainment but a way of life for our society. We all like to laugh and joke and state they don't have talent, but their brand is alive and well for a reason. ​

We all have our stories. I shared little tidbits of mine but you can fill in the blanks with the issues that challenge you. What is the key to this dilemma that we face as women trying to mature in an age where what is on the outside if valued more immensely than what is on the inside? It's something that applies whether you are brown, yellow, pink, or blue-short, tall, skinny, curvy or somewhere above or in-between. The key is finding and understanding how much love can beautifully define and shape our identity. I'm not talking a love that you can find with your family or with a romantic relationship with a man, although those relationships are wonderful. I am talking about understanding the love that God has for you and how that love empowers you to go from girl to great. Some of us have yet to fully develop into the women we are called to be. We straddle the fence between a girl and a woman with our undeveloped emotions and victim's mentality. I am not here to judge you and I do not claim to fully understand everything that has gone on in your life but I do encourage you to understand that you are a free agent. You don't have to be in bondage to your pain, hurts, or insecurities. With God's help, you can successfully take control of your life and experience fruitful relationships where the woman in you thrives in joy. 

The greatest message I can give sweet 4-year-old Christine is that she should humbly be herself without apology or hesitation. I would tell her that knowing herself in Christ doesn't just come with fasting and praying but through a deeper sense of intimacy with God. It comes by letting your walls down and allowing God to touch the areas that you have not let anyone else touch. The areas where shame has come to reside and condemnation takes up residence. I would tell her that truly experiencing God's love comes at a price of vulnerability but it is one that is well worth the price to lead to her hope, fulfillment, and prosperity. The same message I gave her, I give you today. You are enough. You are worth the effort it takes to understand God's love for you and to discover his purpose for your life. The best gift you can ever give for yourself is intimacy with Jesus Christ. Tear down the walls around your heart and allow some good stuff into your soul. This life is worth living and your prosperity is on the other side of your willingness to go from girl to great.
 
​May you be blessed to Live for God, Live with Purpose and Live your life Out Loud.
-Christine

This past week, I had to repent and check my heart through God's eyes. ​This post has not been the easiest to write. Like all of my posts I am challenged to look at myself in the mirror and analyze the good, bad and ugly. It is important that I share what I call my deeper truth with you. My deeper truth is what goes beyond the surface and ultimately takes me to a vulnerable place where I'd rather hide . Not only am I child of God and a committed believer but I am a proud African American woman. I majored in History and minored in Women's Studies at Loyola Marymount University. While there, I found my passion in learning about the plight of equality in America and the amazing progress that has been achieved. This is one area, despite my hesitation, that I understand God is asking me to write about now. There are too many people who are at a loss and don't know where to turn. One thing is for sure, we can't grow or get understanding when we refuse to look at the truth. In this day and age, let's make a commitment to not just look at the truth as we know it but go a little deeper and look at reality as it is. That being said, let's get ready for some real talk. 

It's been roughly 49 years since this country has seen a national civil rights movement. On January 21st an estimated 2.9 million women and men marched in protest all across the United States of America  against our new President and in support of several controversial issues that impact women. What led to what some have described as the biggest march in US History? The inauguration of the President-Elect. I didn't watch his inauguration. In fact, the idea of watching Donald John Trump become the 45th President of the United States brought on various uncomfortable emotions for me. These emotions were no different than the ones I woke up with on the morning of November 10th. I spent that day in a daze trying to fathom the reality that Donald Trump was to become the leader of this amazing country God blesses me to call home. 

During the election and each day since, I had to be intentional about what I allowed to penetrate my point of view and I had to distinguish between fact and opinion. Hate-filled posts and malicious responses seemed to fill social media posts and news feeds. This attitude of division and hatred came from all sides. There were times that the insensitivity of my Christian brothers and sisters brought me to shame. Others allowed the election to turn them away from God.  People from across  race, class, and religious affiliation lost sight of what is good about our country and spewed hatred, exclusion, and fear. More concerning, I found myself battling the urge to respond in those same ways. I read news story after news story about hate crimes against minorities that made my heart hurt and my doubts swell. Each crime I read about was committed in the name of President-Elect, Donald Trump. 

The greatest attribute of the Civil Right's movement led by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is that it was anchored in prayer.  His faith, as well as those who followed him,  in the principles of Jesus Christ set the tone for one of the most successful movements in world history. There was not one public statement that King made that was not backed up by prayer. His words were inclusive and invite unity in our hearts to this day.

In order to have positive impact our words cannot  be purely based on an offended and wounded heart. We must take time to allow God to heal our hearts and use wisdom and discretion in our response. It is critical that we are thoughtful of the way our heart is speaking so that our actions will lead us on a collision course with God's destiny for our lives. While I think it is important to fight for justice and call for President Trump to help lead us to a place of unity we can't wait for him. We must first start with having unity in our hearts and that means finding peace in God. He is greater than any national or international threat against our country. If you don't know Him, I urge you to discover who Jesus Christ is and develop a praying relationship with Him. We should not rant and rave about anything that we haven't first brought before God. 

Let us not get caught up in the emotions of the moment but use our God given ability to choose to invest love in our hearts so when our mouths speak a language of love will flow. Allow your heart space from the noise of news feeds and social media. Be intentional and understand that there is power and wisdom in using your words to bridge hope in such a time as this. 

May you be blessed to Live for God, Live with Purpose and Live your life Out Loud.
-Christine
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