From Girl to Great

"She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." - Proverbs 31:25

It was a bright afternoon in San Diego. I walked outside and stood underneath this large tree that provided shade in front of our apartment. I do not recall how old I was, but I do not believe I was older than 4 or 5. We were getting ready to move to a new apartment and I felt things changing. Usually the courtyard was bustling with children running back and forth but for some reason, no one was outside that day but me. As young as I was, I recall standing under the tree wondering what my life would be like when I turned thirteen years old. It seemed light years away; like some far away place. In that moment I had thoughts of what I would look like and who my friends would be. In an instant I went back inside to get away from the loneliness I felt out in the courtyard of what would become a childhood memory.

Now, as a thirty-three year old woman, I look back at that little girl full of wonder and promise with different eyes. If I could somehow go back in time there is so much that I would tell that little girl to help her avoid some of the pitfalls that came her way. Do you ever think about that? If you could meet yourself as a child, what would you say? There are several things that I would not just say but repeat numerous times and tearfully try to get my point across. First, I would tell her how much God loves her. I grew up going to the church and loving God. My parents and church family told  me over and over again about the love of God. I got saved when I was 9 years old and always kept my walk with Christ but the older I got the more I seen how much I really did not have a strong grasp of God's love for me. If I could speak to myself as a child, I would tell this sweet unsuspecting little girl that she doesn't have to be perfect. She doesn't have to get everything right and do everything flawlessly. I would tell her that her best, even when she fails, really is enough.  So often, despite the scriptures I read in the bible or the inspirational words my mother and family gave me I still found myself subconsciously struggling with the idea that I, flaws and all, am enough. 

I know that is not a struggle that was mine alone. For young girls and women in particular, society has its way of letting us know that we are missing something. When I was in high school, I couldn't be in enough clubs, advanced classes, etc. you name it. My senior year I was Captain of the Varsity Basketball team, an active member of the California Scholarship Federation, a member of Christian Club, MESA, Yearbook, on homecoming court all while maintaining AP courses and applying for colleges. I had to be the best. It wasn't enough to just graduate with honors, but I had to be top honors and show the world, my family, and God that I could handle and do it all with class. What did that leave me? Well I ended my senior year with a D+ in Pre-Calculus and a C- in Physics. My admissions to UC Santa Barbara was rescinded and I had to sit out a year for school. Why did I take Physics, I don't know? I had already met the requirements for both science and math so I did not need either course. I can't even tell you what I learned in that class other than my Physics teacher had this grey stain on his tooth that I still can't get out of my head. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with striving for excellence but it is really important to examine the motives behind your actions. 

While in college, I developed insecurities about my body. I gained a little weight freshman year and it got to my head. I was so mad I could no longer fit size 4 and was now in a size 6 or sometimes 8. Currently, I might run somebody over to wear a size 6 again. Just sayin'. In the moment it felt devastating. So there I was, a smart and beautiful girl who was blessed to fulfill my dream of going to a prestigious 4-year university and I was worried about my body. I would look at People Magazine, US Weekly, Entertainment Tonight, E! News, etc. and find all the reasons why my life and my body was not enough. To top it off, I was yet to have a boyfriend at the time let alone experience my first kiss. When I looked at all of those elements, in the back of my mind I wondered what was wrong with me. Society gives our young girls such a horrifically unrealistic expectation to live up to. Keeping Up with the Kardashian's is not just entertainment but a way of life for our society. We all like to laugh and joke and state they don't have talent, but their brand is alive and well for a reason. ​

Sometimes finding my way into womanhood felt like I was walking down a shaky and blurry road. What I was once confident in, felt unsettled and weak.

We all have our stories. I shared little tidbits of mine but you can fill in the blanks with the issues that challenge you. What is the key to this dilemma that we face as women trying to mature in an age where what is on the outside if valued more immensely than what is on the inside? It's something that applies whether you are brown, yellow, pink, or blue-short, tall, skinny, curvy or somewhere above or in-between. The key is finding and understanding how much love can beautifully define and shape our identity. I'm not talking a love that you can find with your family or with a romantic relationship with a man, although those relationships are wonderful. I am talking about understanding the love that God has for you and how that love empowers you to go from girl to great. Some of us have yet to fully develop into the women we are called to be. We straddle the fence between a girl and a woman with our undeveloped emotions and victim's mentality. I am not here to judge you and I do not claim to fully understand everything that has gone on in your life but I do encourage you to understand that you are a free agent. You don't have to be in bondage to your pain, hurts, or insecurities. With God's help, you can successfully take control of your life and experience fruitful relationships where the woman in you thrives in joy. 

The greatest message I can give sweet 4-year-old Christine is that she should humbly be herself without apology or hesitation. I would tell her that knowing herself in Christ doesn't just come with fasting and praying but through a deeper sense of intimacy with God. It comes by letting your walls down and allowing God to touch the areas that you have not let anyone else touch. The areas where shame has come to reside and condemnation takes up residence. I would tell her that truly experiencing God's love comes at a price of vulnerability but it is one that is well worth the price to lead to her hope, fulfillment, and prosperity. The same message I gave her, I give you today. You are enough. You are worth the effort it takes to understand God's love for you and to discover his purpose for your life. The best gift you can ever give for yourself is intimacy with Jesus Christ. Tear down the walls around your heart and allow some good stuff into your soul. This life is worth living and your prosperity is on the other side of your willingness to go from girl to great.
 
​May you be blessed to Live for God, Live with Purpose and Live your life Out Loud.
-Christine