Dream Again

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." -
​Proverbs 13:12

When I was in the first grade, my mother bought me a yellow notebook to practice writing my numbers and letters at home.  In an effort to help me perform better in school, we would practice writing every night and do flash cards. My writing improved as I filled my notebook up with page after page of the alphabet. Slowly but surely, writing became a safe haven – a passion that would follow me throughout my life. Practicing printing soon turned to cursive and a love for calligraphy was born.  Fast-forward about six years and I am sitting in the kitchen talking to my mother about the new movie, “The Lion King.” I spend a majority of the morning telling my mother what a bad influence Puma and Timon are on Simba and how principles of the bible could have helped Simba make better decisions (go figure, it was in me at a young age).

My mother quietly listened and told me that God has given me good insight then she left to the store. When she returned, among other grocerie she pulled out a new blue notebook and encouraged me to write down all the thoughts and the insights God gave me so I won’t forget them. Immediately, I began writing. Daily, God would speak to me and I would write. Over time, I began to journal regularly. By the time I finished college, I had an electronic journal that spanned over 220 pages. I reveled in writing stories, poetry, nonfiction, and about the word of God.

In 2011, God spoke to me about the power of being a Witness through a sermon I heard by Bill Wiese called 23 Minutes in Hell. I also read His book that carries that same title. In light of God’s revelation, I have been blogging under the name Witness: Live for God. Live with Purpose. Live out Loud. The blog focused on encouraging people to follow God and spread his message. My husband encouraged me to even do some video blogs and to step out of my comfort zone. I am so grateful for the love and support he gave me. While I forged on with hopes of my blog and simultaneously worked on my first book, something debilitating began to take place that had deferred my hopes before. Among the challenges that came with developing a strong marriage, pursuing my Master's Degree, and becoming a mother of two little ones, I found myself stifled by comparision.  You may think I listed enough life events that could cause significant disruption to a blog post. One thing is for certain, God will always make space for you if you allow him. Through all that was going on in my life, I pushed out 62 blog posts in over four years. Problem is, I wasn't writing to my full capacity and my motivation to be vulnerable became choked by how I measured myself up against other people. To me, my blog didn't reach the level of views I seen from other bloggers and so I deemed it unsuccessful. My hope became deferred. 

How often do we defer our hopes because our current situation does not mirror the success of other people? I often compared my blog to other bloggers who had elaborate websites and a huge following. As you might imagine my confidence and sense of purpose took a hit. I would think to myself, “Why does anyone need to hear from me when she and/or he has such a beautiful website and good message. My blog posts are too long; maybe I should make them shorter like hers? My grammar stinks. I'm too preachy; I should scale back and talk more about my life or my day like he did? I only have 15 views on this post and I bet 10 of those views were me checking and going back and forth on my page. Clearly I'm not impacting anyone.” These are the thoughts that I internally beat myself up over. With each thought, the motivation to write gave way to what I felt were justifiable excuses as to why it wasn't a good time to post anything. I did the same thing with the poetry I wrote in my poetry class in college. My work did not get the oohs and ahs that my fellow classmates got so it must not be good, right? Oh, the tangled web we weave. Sadly that web stops us from appreciating and sharing our God given uniqueness.

I compared myself to others on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. God I am following you, as I searched Pinterest only to get intimidated by how others have done it better than me. If you remember nothing from this post today please take note of this: Your story is your story and your dreams are your dreams. You are unique, valuable and priceless. No one can give what you have to give – no one. The day you put down Instagram and open your ear to God will be the day your heart begins the process to allow you to dream again. 

I got to the point where when I got up in the morning, I checked Instagram. While social media has its place and purpose it is so important to take a moment to assess our motives and the place it has in our lives. I still have to be cautious about how those images breed comparison and remind myself about my race and my lane. So now, almost six years after I first started blogging and over a year since my last post, I am writing and dreaming again. This time, with the understanding that the journey that God has me on is my own. If just one person is blessed by this post and its transparency, then fantastic. My thirst to do His will is so much more important than how I desire to appear to anyone. I just want to follow Him. I pray that you adopt the same attitude. I don't care what is going on in your life; there is always room for God's purpose. That space comes by seeking Him first. When I began to seek God, all the plans and instructions began to be laid out. 

​Whenever I took breaks from writing and dreaming, there was a void that I could not fill. No new promotion or material item could take the place of destiny. What is yours? If you find yourself in a constant place of unhappiness, you might want to do a heart check to figure out if your heart is in fact sick. Has your hope been deferred by your circumstance or your own actions? Do your words promote hope for your dreams? The answer to your break through is in the pursuit of your dreams. I’m not talking about a pursuit of good ideas that seem to fit your life or that connect on a surface level. I am talking about your God given purpose. The very thing that has been with you all along. Usually, its something that will bring you out of your comfort zone and require you to put away all fear and take the risk. When you have God in your life, you can rest assure that God does not allow you to dream alone. He is right there with you.

I am excited for what is in store and I thank God that today is the start of a dream fulfilled. It starts by submission to God, His plan, His leadership and my humility. Let’s take this journey together. After you finish reading this post, take some time to dust that dream off and try again. Ask God for a fresh word and new strategy. You may not have the money, the time, or the space but with God all things are possible. You watch, as you take a step of faith God will meet you. Join me in saying yes to God so we can walk toward our dreams fulfilled.